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Senior Trauma is Like a Chocolate Cake
- By Pam Kovalewski
I have been helping families for over 15 years as a specialist in the senior downsizing field. Most clients truly struggle with the process of downsizing. It is a stressful and overwhelming process to navigate and is also often a traumatic step int their lives. Seniors have lived a long time and have often experienced traumas throughout life that most don’t understand. I hope this analogy helps families to understand more about aging and how senior trauma effects so much.
Let’s talk about Trauma
A client a few years ago, lost her husband in Apil, ended up in the hospital in May, and rehab for months. Then went home with private caregivers, that proceeded to steal from her, use her credit cards for purchases sent to their homes, stole things out of her home and garage for their benefit and then tried to steal her home out from under her, before we stepped in and stopped them.
She was faced not only with incredible losses and trauma, but ongoing health issues that forced her to give up her home she had built with her husband. Her only option was to move into assisted living. Every single one of these events was physically or emotionally traumatic, all in under a year. She had no children, a difficult and traumatic childhood with siblings as well, and some extended family that were pushing her into what “they” needed her to do in their time frame. Adding yet, more trauma to her life… so they could get her needs off “their” plates. No compassion for her at all. Behaving like only their lives were being impacted. It was difficult to observe.
Another client, who, after 42 years of marriage and raising kids, had her husband out of the blue want a divorce. No warning. Three years earlier, her son took his own life. She was then diagnosed with a rapidly changing neurological disorder that affects her gait, thought process, social skills, memory, and driving ability. Forced to move from the new home she had purchased and loved, in a neighborhood she had found renewed happiness in.
Her kids were very helpful but had lives, jobs, and kids of their own, and, understandably, running back and forth constantly added stress for them. They were overwhelmed with the amount of time they had to invest living an hour away and were pushing her to decide on an Assisted Living community (she didn’t want to go to) and told her to “JUST” get it over with.
Just, Just, Just...
Trauma is very much like a chocolate layer cake. One trauma on top of another and another, with life as the icing between traumas, until we have a whole cake before us. Sadly, we live in a society that tells us to suck it up and move on, get over it. Never really dealing with the psychological, emotional, and physical toll it takes on them.
The cake just keeps getting bigger, making it more difficult to bake, navigate life, and make decisions as each of these traumas increases the difficulty to slice the cake. Throw in the need to downsize, giving up the things and homes they love, and feeling pushed out the door, and it can be a recipe for disaster. Many times, the stress of traumas brings on health issues, falls, and recurring hospital visits.
Trauma and loss create a deep emotional spiral that is difficult for most to control or emotionally walk through. Spouses pass, they are getting older, health declines, friends pass, social lives change, sometimes losing the ability to be independent, loss of mobility or abilities like driving, going places, and living their lives.
Obviously, as they age, these things are even harder to bounce back from. Many seniors then dig in their heels and refuse to go anywhere, mostly out of fear and, understandably, from having already lost so much. Seniors with dementia walk an even more difficult path, and so do their families, as this is combined with losing memories as well.
More Seniors Navigating the Future Alone
A growing population of seniors has limited families nearby, or no kids, and little to no support system. Fear and depression become the norm for many. Stress of finances increases due to the cost of living, health issues, medical costs, and needs, but incomes don’t change. It is not easy getting older, and younger people have no clue what they are going through because they have not yet experienced these things. Many times, children see their parents as parents rather than as individuals. They often don’t notice the aging process, or choose not to see it, because they don’t want to accept that their parents are getting old, or that they may have to take on more responsibilities with them. They see what they have always seen, just mom or dad.
Moving is a perfect example. It may still be stressful for younger, more able-bodied people, but it adds a different layer of trauma for seniors. Losing neighbors and neighborhoods they love, lifestyles they have built over many years, local activities, friends, churches, and community. Our own children are slowly learning to understand why we can no longer jump in a car and drive 15 hours like we used to.
The physical toll it takes on our bodies from driving long distances is hard. They don’t consider the difficulties we have to haul luggage through the airport, with a disabled husband navigating walking issues and COPD, both of us with bad backs, through huge terminals, dragging luggage or carrying bags. Sitting on cramped planes barely able to move is no picnic for younger people; it’s even worse for seniors.
Understanding How Needs and Life Changes for Seniors
I point this out so families might begin to understand. To view your parents with openness and acceptance of meeting them where they are, not with disdain, because it might add to the sacrifice in your lives. So many seem unwilling to sacrifice for their parents, even though their parents sacrificed for them. It is our job to lovingly take care of our parents.
What I see so often is heartbreaking. I see children so wrapped up in life and careers that they don’t even come to see their parents. Parents have become unimportant and invisible. Seniors say, “I don’t want to be a burden on my kids”. I must tell them that being an aging parent shouldn’t feel like a burden. It should be ok to tell your kids when you need help. Kids either can’t see or choose to overlook the loneliness and trauma of aging.
Often, they ignore what their parents or family members are going through, or have gone through, because they don’t experience it the same way. It is hard to understand, but we must stop and think about what it is like to be in the seniors’ shoes. How much loss have they weathered and in what time frame? Have they had counseling or grief programs made available to them? Stop thinking of them as your upcoming inheritance; that is also heartbreaking for them.
I write this in the hopes that families approach these changes with patience, calm reflection, understanding, and compassion for the things their loved one may have experienced and its effects on them. I remind them that, sooner or later, they will experience the same things in life. If you need to assist a loved one who may need to transition to a new lifestyle, by choice or by force, please stop shoving their face in the cake!
Remember small bites
Stop and think about what they may have been through recently. Stop adding stress to their trauma.
Stop pushing them to make decisions swiftly, because your time to help is limited. Be patient.
Stop treating them like children who can’t think for themselves. They are adults and deserve respect; they don’t need to be told what to do. They need to be educated and informed.
Stop being frustrated with them and share a hug or a visit instead. Allow them to process the upcoming changes slowly.
Stop being self-focused and give them grace and kindness. Spend loving moments with them as often as possible, rather than making them feel like a burden.
Remember, they need a bit more time, patience, and understanding as they age than they ever have.
Help them take a bite of cake. To process it. To relish it. To digest it. To embrace the next bite as it comes. To have a chance to love every bite as they get through each slice. Over time, they will get through the cake.
If a family member is battling grief, trauma, or loss, here is a resource link. David Brinker is there to help us heal by providing tools for recovery through the Healing Hearts Grief Recovery program. Read more…
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